Mooonfire!

There was frost on the windshield of my car when I went to take it to the store. Those Northrendian winters really bite.

The lineup, amazingly for such a small town, stretched a good sixty, maybe seventy feet. I’d have a picture if my camera had worked.

“Geeks in the fresh air, eh?” someone laughed as I took my place in line. “Worth taking a picture of.”

We fell to talking. The topics? Everything from the Maintenance from Hell to the glitch that gave out free Brutal Gladiator’s gear (”They took it all back, though,” my new acquaintance commented). “I just got out of ZA,” I said. “That place is just so much simpler now.”

We laughed. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Your DPS can practically be in greens.”

“I have to ask”, I said. “Horde? Or Alliance?”

“Horde, naturally. What server?”

“Arathor.”

“Ah- we’re on Alterac.”

The conversation continued. The door opened not too long after. “Never fails,” he muttered. “As soon as you light a cigarette.”

I had to laugh. “It’s like enchanting weapons. I know this healer who’s convinced I’m cursed- every time I enchant a weapon for her, she gets an upgrade the next run we’re in together.”

“That’s why you get the badge gear”, someone in the line remarked.

Inside the store, we fell to speculation on what the cool things were going to be in Wrath- “You’re an engineer? Me too- I’m looking forward to the parachute cloak changes.” “Oh? I want the rocket boots.”

We cheered the first guy to get his copy out of the store- though there was the scattered good-natured remark of “Grab him before he gets away with it!”

“Goin’ home!” he shouted. “Installing! Playing!”

There was a general attitude of good-natured amusement, but more than that of camaraderie. I spoke, me in my early twenties, as equals, with a man who looked to be in his forties, and a boy who was perhaps twelve. What common thread could we have to converse on?

“I like having a druid,” the boy explained. “So hard to kill in arenas, it’s awesome.”

The older man laughed. “Or you hit Swift Flight Form when you fall out of combat going down a cliff- did you know you can die of falling damage in flight form?”

I did know.

One of the people on his way out was halted by a shouted question from the line- “What guild?”

“Band of Pirates!” he shouted.

“Aw no, Reawakening!” was the reply.

I grinned at those around me. “Forget ‘what guild’. He should ask ‘what server’, or even ‘what faction’.” I paused for a moment. “…Okay, maybe not ‘what faction’, that might start a war.”

“Horde forever,” the older man said firmly. I had to agree.

It was finally my turn. A poster, a bookmark, the game. I am pleased to report that I broke no speed limits getting home.

My account upgraded, I popped in the disc and…

Linux is having some trouble installing it. I’m working on a solution. Hopefully it will be installed very, very soon.

I would like to point out, though, that having a group of WoW players together is just… fun. We ran all levels of skill- from people who were farming Black Temple to people who though Karazhan was intimidating.

We were just chilling- rather literally- and enjoying the night. It was a blast.

Here’s to us.

(”Maybe we should make the Alliance go to the back of the line?” “Just the gnomes.”)

(Be on the lookout for Part 2 in about twelve hours!)

November 9th, 2007: Llanion hit level 70 in Sethekk Halls, with Anncoulter, Sunspot, Maliata and a tank friend of Anncoulter’s. I knew only what I had learned from levelling as a druid- I hadn’t twigged to blogs yet, I had no idea that Resto4Life or BigRedKitty existed.

It has been just barely over a year since I hit level 70 and the game really began to unfold for me. Some things have changed since then- only Anncoulter and I are still active as mains (Maliata and Sunspot, originally a hunter and warlock, have rerolled to warriors). We’ve all seen raids, and epics.

In that year, I have strengthened old friendships and forged new ones. I’ve done a fair few midnight runs, coinciding with some very groggy weekends. I’ve become a devotee of Ventrilo for raiding coordination and a big fan of Omen.

Now there is a new game dawning, and for the first time I’m at the level cap to meet it. In fact, I’m headed into a midnight release tonight- and I’m anticipating this weekend is going to be very, very busy.

It occurs to me that all the events I remember most clearly have to do with fellow players, not personal advancement. And really, isn’t that how it should be?

Puddle and the Prince, Seventeen Seconds, Rholdakh’s Dwarf, Stealing the Flames, Cows and Trolls, Oh, He Cleaves?, Do I Have To Link Them…

They’re all events that relate more directly to other players than to the game itself.

I’m looking forward to new events to adapt and conquer alongside the friends I’ve made in this game. And I’m keeping Light’s Justice in my bank vault as a reminder of the first time we killed Prince Malchezaar.

Hmm? Yes, I can tell you one of the anecdotes.
But Really…
Frustrated Guildie #1: “I hate $*@(ing Alliance!”
Guildie #2: “Yeah, but what can you do when Horde won’t put out?”

Part 1 was a look back at the last year.
Part 2 will be a look forward (with pictures from the midnight pickup, if all goes well).

The challenge for healers, I think, is not to keep everyone alive. Not currently, not for another ten days plus levelling time at the very least. The new talents put us well over the top in terms of ease- a fact drive home when Run to the Door hammered out our guild-firsts on High King Maulgar, Gruul the Dragonkiller and Magtheridon without appreciable healer frustration. Healers going OOM, healers screaming “I just can’t keep them alive”- it didn’t happen. Once the DPS stopped letting the healers get Deathcoiled at High King, once the clickers got their collective act together in Magtheridon, we steamrolled our way through. Admittedly some of our folks had never seen the fights, and some had never even been in a group larger than ten people outside of Alterac, so I’m not blaming them.

I’m just saying… keeping folks alive isn’t the challenge any more.

Which got me to thinking. I know, soon enough, that Wrath is going to hit. We’re all going to peg 80, we’ll be wearing blues again instead of our shiny purples, my Large Brilliant Shards will be even more a thing of the past… and for the first time, I’m going to be on the forefront. See, back when The Burning Crusade hit, well, I had no 60’s. I had a couple toons in the 30-50 range but I was still getting warmed up to the game, having only played for a couple of months. I didn’t really know what I wanted to be. My druid, a different toon and, at that time, not my main, was only level 14.

This time, I’m going into Wrath with a guild that, even if we can’t start the Heroic Raids- which is an open question!- can certainly tear our way through the 10-man progression track. Our more rabid raiders, myself among them, are razor-keen and raring to go. I’m going to be attacking content beyond the ‘dabbling’ stage, and I’m going to be doing it while it’s relevant instead of during its closing days.

Which leads to an interesting insight. Run to the Door has been riding roughshod over Zul’Aman- we were an ace away from the full four chests last time- and if past experience is any indication, we’re going to do the same thing tonight.

And then I realized…

I don’t know what Hex Lord Malacrass looks like.
I don’t know what Halazzi the lynx-lord looks like.
I don’t know what Zul’jin looks like in any form.

I can tell you what happens in those fights, all nine phases of them, from the perspective of any role, with notes for class-specific issues- that is my job as a raid leader, when such duty falls to me, and I seem to have a knack for explaining concisely what each class needs to be doing, so such duty tends to be my job a lot.

But… I don’t know what they look like.

I end up so focused on the small rectangle of my screen that is my Grid readout that it’s all I can do to avoid getting nailed by the vortices in Zul’jin Eagle. I have developed, in short, a grand old garden-variety case of tunnel vision.

I’ve been experimenting with both variations on my old Dreamstate build, and on a 5-56 and 10-51 Resto-weighted split. I like Wild Growth, but I also like Nature’s Splendor and frankly I prefer my Use-More-Than-Just-HoTs Dreamstate style. There’s something satisfying about the SHOOM noise a 6k Healing Touch makes.

Tonight, I think, I’m going back to Dreamstate. 31-0-30, no Swiftmend but I’ll get it soon, and I want the Balance talents- particularly Moonkin- for leveling with. And my new goal? It isn’t to keep everyone alive. I can do that. Lots of our healers can do that.

Tonight, for our fourth clear of Zul’Aman… I want to see what Zul’jin looks like.

I ran across this recipe in Thunder Bluff. My host attributed it to the Northrend Taunka, but I’ve made the odd change. This recipe seems very suited to our Tauren culture- it is simple, hot food that can be prepared quickly and with the use of very few tools- and it is easy to remember, so you need not carry bulky tomes of recipes about.

~Llanion

Difficulty: Easy.
Exotic ingredients or materials: None.
Time: Easily sub-30 minutes. I took 25 from ‘gathering ingredients’ to ‘nom nom nom delicious’, and that was while taking pictures.

You will need:

A spatula
A frying pan (You may also use an electric griddle- if you use a no-stick pan or griddle, make sure the spatula is appropriate to it, I.E. probably not metal)
Two bowls (Note that in this recipe I am making enough for one person. Larger groups mean larger bowls.)
A measuring cup
A fork
A large spoon

And the ingredients:
Per one person (or four pancakes) you will need the following.

Approximately one and one-third teaspoons of baking powder. For those who are curious, it should scale such that with three people eating, you have four teaspoons. I routinely just use “one and a bit”.

You’re gonna need an egg. One egg per person. Don’t crack it yet, wait for the instructions.

You’re gonna need milk. Half a cup of milk per person, actually. Your choice as to what kind, I used 1% Skim Milk because that’s what I had on hand. If it looks like I put too much milk in the measuring cup, that’s only because I put too much milk in the measuring cup. Whoops. It didn’t harm the recipe too much, though they would have been fluffier without quite so much milk.

Flour! Half a cup per raid member person at the meal. If you manage to have different quantities of milk and flour in this recipe, something is very wrong. You can theoretically use any kind of flour- I use all-purpose (referred to as “hard white”) flour.

[Recap:
1/2 c. all-purpose flour
1 1/3 tsp baking powder
1/2 c. milk
1 egg
per 4 pancakes]

Instructions:
(Think of this as your strategy for the boss fight.)
Combine baking powder and flour and mix in the larger of the bowls, as shown below (top left).
Separate the egg, putting the white in the smaller bowl (shown below, bottom left) and the yolk in the milk (below, top right).

(To separate an egg: Crack it over the bowl in which you want the white to end up. You can move the egg yolk back and forth between the two halves of the shell. If you’re careful, the ’skin’ around the yolk will not break, and the white will simply pour into your bowl, leaving you with the yolk in a half-shell. You can discard the shell once you’re done getting the yolk and white to their separate destinations.)

Beat the egg yolk and milk together, forming a yellowish liquid; pour this into the flour mixture and stir thoroughly with a fork. You want this mixture to be quite smooth, with no lumps (people who have used other pancake recipes are probably looking at you funny even now. Ignore them. Batter should be smooth).

Put the frying pan on the stove, turn on your griddle, or otherwise prepare your heat-source at a medium heat. Don’t put the butter on yet.

Beat the egg white vigorously for five minutes with a fork, wire whisk, or handheld blender (tip: If you’re using the latter two options, use an appropriate bowl. Attempting to use a hand blender in a bowl such as the one pictured above would be disastrous and also messy). Unfortunately my camera wouldn’t focus correctly, but the proper texture for at least the top half of the egg white should be frothy (above, bottom right). If you’re doing this by hand, it may be harder than you’d thought. Do the best you can.

Pour the egg white on top of the batter and fold it in with a fork until there are no more white streaks or froth around the edges.

(To fold something into a batter, place the something on top, and sort of scoop the batter with your fork and draw it across over the things you’re folding in.)

By this time your pan should be nicely heated. Add a little butter (or margarine, if you’d rather).

When the butter is nicely melted on the parts of the pan you intend to use, scoop or pour approximately 1/4 of a cup (if you’re following the single-person recipe, that will be about one quarter of your batter as well) into the pan.

Cook for several minutes, turn, and cook the other side. Below is a picture of a pancake that’s almost ready for flipping: When the little bubble-holes pop without closing and the edges of the pancake start to lose their shine, it’s ready to flip. You’ll eventually be able to time them by instinct.

If you’re reasonably confident in your ability to not burn the pancakes, and if your sink is nearby, this is an excellent time to wash the bowl you beat the egg whites in, the fork or whisk you used, your teaspoon measure and your measuring cup. You should also put away any ingredients you still have out at this point.

When you’ve gotten the last pancake into the pan, it’s a good time to wash whatever spoon or ladle you might have used to get the batter from the bowl to the pan, plus the bowl itself. This batter is extraordinarily easy to clean off dishes, provided you don’t give it time to sit around getting all gunky.

Once the last pancake is out of the pan, turn off the heat. You will, unfortunately, have to wait for the pan to cool before you can wash it, but the spatula should be washable now.

As shown above, I was a little too impatient to wait for the camera. Traditionally, pancakes are served hot with maple syrup, but they are also excellent with sliced fruits or berries, whipped cream, jams or jellies, fruit or chocolate syrups and butter. This recipe does not include sugar, meaning these pancakes also go well as an accompaniment to sharp cheeses or other savories.

Optional ingredients you could add: A half-teaspoon of vanilla; a teaspoon of sugar and a quarter-teaspoon of cinnamon; a teaspoon of honey.

Caution: Savory sauces and seasoninings preclude sweet additives and vice versa- in other words, you probably don’t want honey-cinnamon pancakes with cheddar cheese.

It seems this recipe is rarely served to non-Tauren. I wonder why? Plainstrider eggs and simple flour are plentiful in Mulgore… ~Llanion

Welcome, one and all, to what is sort-of about to become a regular feature here at Mooonfire: The Friday Food.

Let me be frank. I am a passionate eater. I enjoy good food, possibly disproportionately (though this should not lead you to assume I dislike ‘cheap’ food. Ramen? Kraft Dinner? Cheez Whiz and plastic hamburgers? I’m there, too). “It Tastes Like Chicken” is an achievement I honestly find right in line with my personal philosophies. And, right along with this inclination, there is an inclination and even some talent with regards to the arena of food preparation. I love to cook. I enjoy putting raw things in the vicinity of heat, turning them into cooked things, and eating the result. (I’m not so big on the resulting dishes.)

And really, when you think about it, and/or after you’ve done it for a while, cooking is

1. Not that scary.
2. Not very hard.
3. Something gamers should naturally be good at.

Gamers are good at following lists of instructions. That’s what cooking is. Gamers are good at improvising when the situation calls for it. That has its place in cookery. Gamers are often quite dextrous, which is useful for handling a knife without making it Four-meat Pizza and taking a subsequent trip to the hospital. Gamers have quick reflexes, as a rule. This, too, has its place in cooking.

In cooking, as in WoW, preparation will ensure simplicity, and practice will ensure success.

In WoW, we always make a point of making our gear, potion, and ability buttons easy to access in a hurry, because it’s disheartening to watch the clouds of smoke that herald someone or something burning to a blackened crisp while you scramble around looking for Dispel Curse. In cookery, it’s good to have the utensils you expect to need ready to hand, because if you replace “Dispel Curse” with “a spatula” in the scenario above, it is every bit as valid.

In Warcraft, we know that our first few attempts on a boss may (or may not) be successes, but we try to learn from what we just did and vow that next time, we’ll walk away with delicious loot.

Now replace “Warcraft” with “the kitchen”, “on a boss” with “of a recipe”, and “loot” with “food”. See?

This is getting long-winded and I haven’t explained what I’m up to, so this is it in a nutshell:
Every Friday, I’m going to post a recipe. It will always be something I have tried. It will almost certainly have pictures. It may or may not be framed as a back-story entry.

I hope you’ll try some of these- and may your threat be low when the Washing Dishes debuff is handed out.

I was reading Sydera’s post on the topic earlier today, and I have to say… I like achievements. Even the ones that are a pain, or require me to get into a raid I would not normally enter. Even the ones that require a raid that’s either no longer done (Ahn’Qiraj, anyone? Blackwing Lair?) or that are beyond the manpower of my current guild (No, we really aren’t prepared, Illidan).

I figure I can get to them at some point or another. Maybe I’ll end up five-manning BWL at level 80. I’m okay with that. Maybe the newly-revived Old-School Night I run will end up stomping SSC flat at that same level with fifteen people. Still okay with that.

I tend to use the achivements mostly as a list of things I can do. I do this with my enchanting, even with my reputations- bored? Okay. Grind away until the meters get a little higher, or you pick up a couple of recipes you didn’t know yet, or you can solo an instance for kicks… It’s stuff I did a lot of. Now, I can use the achievements to keep track of them. Sometimes I can even use the results to show them off- before the Bloodsail Admiral titles came out, how many people would KNOW I put a lot of effort into hating the goblins when I wasn’t actively wearing the hat?

It’s additionally rather neat because, look, some of these achievements reflect things I’ve already done or am in the middle of. Get exalted with the Argent Dawn? Yeah, I was almost there already. Cenarion Expedition and the Circle as well? Well, I was grinding rep with the Circle, that’s true.

50 mounts? I must be nuts… but I am actually working on it. (Minor digression: I am so much more into collecting vanity pets and mounts now that they don’t take up my always-limited bag-space. Is anyone else having this experience?)

50 pets? Well… at this point most of the rarer pet drops are going to my lady-friend, who is actually rather… desperate… to get a skunk. If any Horde on Arathor has a white kitten they’re willing to sell for a reasonable price, please, look me up. Anyway, once she has her pet I’ll get there. I’m not really in a hurry.

Then there’s the things I wasn’t going to do anyway, but am doing now. The Exploration achievements don’t really take much in the way of work, and they’re great to fill in the time between raids. I like talking with my guildies, but find just sitting online and talking without actually playing to be, well, flat-out boring. It doesn’t matter if the task is dull (Grinding Mag’har rep, something I still need to do, falls in this category), but I need to be doing something. Working on odd achievements gives me something to do.

What’s your take on these things? Blessing? Bane? Nervous-breakdown-inducing addition to the list of things you have to do in-game?

And we’re back in action.

3.0 hit while I was out of commission, so I’ve been scrambling around, trying different specs, trying to catch up. I have managed to complete a variety of achievements, and am working on further ones.

Notes at the moment:

• Starfall. So delicious.
• Alterac Valley hate. hate hate hate. Learn to not suck so badly, Horde. We can’t beat the Alliance in a race to the end due to unfortunate issues (I suspect either map layout, or complete idiocy)… so stop trying, please, and learn to defend correctly. We did win once last night, and it was nearly perfect- we lost Galvangar- but it was because we had a solid and unpleasant-to-encounter defense.
• Dreamstate + Swiftmend just… isn’t doing as much as I’d hoped. I’m working on it.
• The Bloodsail Admiral’s hat now comes with a Bloodsail Admiral title.
• Funny how as soon as the attunement’s gone, everyone wants to do Onyxia (seventeen volunteers, versus two who were willing to go through the attunement chain first)
• I have a Zhevra. I think. The GM I talked to said he had put it in the mail. We’ll see.
• I was going to thin out my gear now that the unified Spellpower stat exists. Problem? I am horribly attached to the pieces which, logically, should be leaving. Light’s Justice is sitting in my bank. It’s going to stay in my bank. It was dropped for me on our guild-alliance first kill of Prince way back in the day. I’ve been using it ever since.
• Our guild cleared Zul’Aman. Considering our best prior to the patch was one total kill of the Dragonhawk, and one attempt on the Lynx, I’m going to go with “The combination of new talents and boss difficulty reduction has made life much more excellent.” We managed to catch the first three chests, we only wiped twice- once on Lynx due to a misunderstanding, once on Zul’Jin himself because not everybody ran in and several of the raid were trapped outside. Nonetheless, we managed to get him to phase 3, in the process learning the fight both for those inside and outside. We then proceeded to down him on the next try. Total time was just under two hours- we’re going in again tonight.
• I’m looking at spell haste. I want to make a haste-druid, Dreamstate if I can. We’ll see what happens.
• Scourge invasion! I’m loving it; I was very upset when I wasn’t high enough level to do this last time it was around. I have my tabard, my horn, my banner and 3/4 of the cloth caster pieces (I don’t have the chest yet, predictably enough)

No, I’m not in the Wrath beta. I’m popping in to explain why there’s been no posts in eight days.

Simple: I got back from my vacation, turned on my laptop and the video card promptly melted itself into oblivion. It’s a bummer. I don’t even know if today’s the 3.0 patch or not!

It also means I have no real WoW access and thus have a deficit of post-fodder.

I will leave you with something I realized, though- post-3.0, if I lose doomchicken form for a while, I can be Dreamstate and still have Swiftmend. I think I just spontaneously melted from pure awesome.

…is this Monday? This is, isn’t it. It’s Monday. Fire the time machine back up, boys!

Llanion is on vacation; comments may not be approved until he returns (hang in there!). Thank you for your appreciation.

So I picked up my Champion of the Naaru title recently. My guild, alas, does not do 25-mans… and the title requires a kill of both Magtheridon and Gruul the Dragonkiller. Each of these is a 25-man raidboss.

My objective was clear: Get into a 25-man raid as a pickup player.
My obstacle was equally clear: I like my guild and have no intention of leaving.

So here’s how you can go about getting into pickup raids:

Pretend You’re Applying For Real
This means you need a good few things. Many of these I stole borrowed from Seri’s Guide to Applying:

How to go about making contact

• Find (using WoWJutsu, your realm forums, WoWWiki or some other resource) a guild that seems to be running the content you want to be running.
• Use the Armory to figure out who the guild leader (and possibly officers) are.
• Put these people on your friends list and stalk wait for them to come online.

Sell Yourself

• It’s critical to make contact well. You want to make a good impression. Don’t whisper as soon as they come online. Really don’t whisper if they appear busy (In a raid, in a battleground, in an instance).
• Ask for attention first: “Excuse me, do you have a moment?”
• If they say no, thank them for their time and move down the list, find another officer, or check back later. (Give it some time. I know people who think that “Ask again later” means “every ten minutes”. Remarkably, this is not so.)
• If they say yes, ask if they are running the content you’re interested in and if they have any need of a (your class/spec here). (”Is your guild running Gruul’s/Magtheridon? If so, do you need a spare healer?”)
• If they say they aren’t running that content, you’re out of luck. Move down your list of possible guilds. Be certain to thank them for their time; there’s always the possibility that they’ll want to take you for other things if they like the sound of you.
• If they say they don’t need a (your spec here), thank them for their time and move down the list. If (and only if) you have the skills and gear to support an alternate spec (and assuming you’re not, say, a rogue, whose specs boil down to “I can stab things many ways”), you can consider asking them if they need an (your class, alternate spec here). (”I see. Would you have any need of a tank? I have the gear and abilities to fill that slot as well.”)
• If they need you in whatever spec, and you’re willing to go as that spec: Go, respec right now, put on your gear for that spec and ask them if they’d like to inspect you. If you can humanly manage it, offer to come to them, not the other way around. (”You do? That’s great! If you’d like to double-check my gear, I’m on my way to Shattrath now.”)

Contgratulations! They’re willing to look and see if you’ve got what it takes. Now:

• You will need: Gear in good repair
• You will need: Gear appropriate to content (Just because it’s epic doesn’t make it right. PVP gear particularly is prone to this myth.)
• I’m repeating this because it’s very important: PVP gear is epic. It is NOT always better for PVE than even some blues.
• Enchants are important. Have the enchants appropriate to your class.
• Is the spec you have now the spec you’re going to be using?

The leader-type inspects you and approves of your gear and spec. You are given a spot in the raid!

• Great! You’ve made contact, you’ve been approved. You’re not done yet: Find out what time the raids are!
• Be at the appropriate summoning stone at least fifteen minutes before they normally form their group.
• Bring your own consumables and many many extras.
• Be proactive. Do they use Ventrilo? Ask. Do they use any other specific addons? ASK. Ask well before the raid. Your goal here is to be at the stone, set up, waiting, stocked to the teeth with potions and bored out of your skull a full quarter-hour before the raid leader types ‘/invite’ for the first time.
• Keep in touch with your point of contact. You asked the guild leader? Good. Ask them to assign you work. If it’s not their job to manage you (You’re a healer and they have a lead healer) they’ll assign you to the appropriate player- this is your new repository-of-all-knowledge.
• Learn the fights first: Bosskillers.com, wowwiki and Wowhead all have boss stats and strategies. Know all the fights you expect to do. Know all the fights you might possibly do. For my pickup night of Gruul’s and Mags, I researched those and the first fight in Tempest Keep and SSC, just for kicks.
• Make your qualifications and abilities clear. (”I know the strategies, I’ve seen a couple videos but I’ve never done this fight.”)(”I’m better at handling tank heals than raid damage, really.”)
• Don’t assume they know your abilities. A competent (obsessive?) raid leader should know the abilities on all their raiders. Assume they know nothing about your class.
• Be relentlessly positive and put out your absolute best play. This means you should probably not show up drunk.
• Be a conduit. They need more healers? Tanks? One of the DPS set his cat on fire? Offer to find a replacement if there’s a player in your guild or on your friendslist that you know can do the job.

With these tips, you also may join a raid as a pickup. Who knows- they may try to tap you again later, or even recruit you as a regular!

Good luck out there, and remember:

Don’t stand in the fire.

[Again with the time-warping. Still on vacation. I’ll be approving comments upon my return- hang in there.]

Hai! Cooking Ninja class is now in session. I am the Cooking Ninja, and you are my student, should you wish it.

Today’s recipe: Dwarf Pizza. This does not involve actual Dwarves as meat; that’s strictly a Forsaken thing.

The dwarves of Khaz Modan are a stolid folk, workmanlike and careful. There are only two things you need to watch out for:

1: All dwarves think they hold their alcohol much, much better than they do. Their self-image appears to be based on an ogre. In fact, a pint or two is sufficient to send your average dwarf into a berserker rage with their war-axe Mr. Cuddles.

2: Dwarves love pizza. The dwarven pizzasmiths are a rare, secretive breed, and getting their recipes nearly cost me my life. You will therefore oblige me by not inquiring further about the source of my recipe, o student.

You need:

A pizza pan at least 20 inches across (unless you want to use your cookie sheet; there is no dishonor in rectangular pizza.)

• 3 tbsp brown sugar OR 2 tbsp honey
• 3 1/4 cups white flour (Whole wheat flour is dishonorable, but I have heard rumors that it has been done. Do what you must, but you will not bring this shame upon my house.)
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 cup olive or vegetable oil (Olive gives it a nice taste; vegetable makes it fluffier. Your call, o student.)
• 1 cup water
• 2 tbsp yeast (baker’s yeast. Brewer’s yeast, while honorable, is not the correct tool for this mission.)

The below are optional:

• 1/2 tsp black pepper (Fresh, coarsely-ground pepper is the most honorable)
• 1/2 tsp dried oregano
• 1/2 tsp dried dill
• 1/2 tsp dried basil
• 1/2 tsp any other spices you care to name and enjoy in pizza dough. The dwarves used crushed dried chilies.

The Outset
Heat the water. Test it with your hand. It should be quite warm, but not so hot as to hurt. I find that one minute on high works for this, with my microwave.

Stir in the honey or brown sugar; stir in the salt. Stir honorably until entirely dissolved.

Add the yeast and stir well. Allow the mix to sit for five minutes while you ponder the mysteries of ninjitsu.

The Approach

Add one cup of the flour and stir in well. This is not a muffin recipe; stir thoroughly and with great vigor. Let no clumps survive.

Stir in the remainder of the flour, the oil, and the spices. If you still have ingredients left over, you are doing something wrong and have brought dishonor upon this house. (If the missing ingredient was not sugar, honey, water or yeast, you may add it now to expunge your dishonor and proceed to the next step)

Stir thoroughly. You should end up with a hard-to-stir lump of dough. Turn it out onto a clean surface (counters work admirably here) and using your hands, form it into one mass. Honorable ninjas use clean hands.

Press down on the center of your dough lump with the heel of your palms, then fold it over on itself and repeat. This is known as kneading and is a technique all ninja should be familiar with.

When you’ve kneaded the dough perhaps two dozen times with great vigor, put it back in the bowl, cover the bowl with a damp, clean cloth such as a dishtowel, and place it somewhere warm.

The First Rise

Leave the dough in its warm place for 45 minutes.

At the end of this time, it should have expanded somewhat in size. Turn it out onto the counter and give it your best ninjitsu fist of justice. I am serious, grasshopper- punch it down hard. Show that dough who the ninja is here. Hit it good! It should deflate somewhat. Knead it a couple dozen more times and then re-cover it and return it to the spot of warmness.

The Second Rise

Leave the dough for at least one hour.

At the end of this time, punch it down again and knead.

You may repeat this cycle of rising a third time if you wish, but at this point you have spent at least two hours and may wish to continue with your mission. When you are ready, proceed.

The Final Moments

Knead the dough, then use your rolling pin to roll it to a thickness of about a half-inch. Pick it up like you are holding a steering wheel and turn it continuously, shifting your hands. This will allow the dough’s own weight to thin it. If you cannot get it as thin as you would like- a quarter inch or less- use your rolling pin. The final result should be a rough disc of dough about the same size as your pizza pan. (If you are using the honorable rectangular cookie sheet method, it will of course not be disc-shaped)

Place the dough on the pan and, starting from the center, prick the dough deeply with a fork and move outward, covering the dough liberally in tiny pinholes.

You didn’t think a true ninja would shy from stabbing, did you?

Stop stabbing about an inch to an inch and a half from the edge. The pinholes allow the sauce to bind better and also the dough will cook faster and flatter; the area without pinholes is the outer crust and should be allowed to puff up.

Place the toppings (sauce, cheeses, meats, vegetables etc) on top.

The Completion

The finished pizza should be cooked at 400 degrees for about twenty minutes; at the end of that time, observe it closely. The crust should be a medium brown and the cheese should be melted (this takes, for me, about three to five additional minutes).

Remove from oven and serve hot. Makes greatly honorable leftovers.