[Again with the time-warping. Still on vacation. I'll be approving comments upon my return- hang in there.]
Hai! Cooking Ninja class is now in session. I am the Cooking Ninja, and you are my student, should you wish it.
Today’s recipe: Dwarf Pizza. This does not involve actual Dwarves as meat; that’s strictly a Forsaken thing.
The dwarves of Khaz Modan are a stolid folk, workmanlike and careful. There are only two things you need to watch out for:
1: All dwarves think they hold their alcohol much, much better than they do. Their self-image appears to be based on an ogre. In fact, a pint or two is sufficient to send your average dwarf into a berserker rage with their war-axe Mr. Cuddles.
2: Dwarves love pizza. The dwarven pizzasmiths are a rare, secretive breed, and getting their recipes nearly cost me my life. You will therefore oblige me by not inquiring further about the source of my recipe, o student.
You need:
A pizza pan at least 20 inches across (unless you want to use your cookie sheet; there is no dishonor in rectangular pizza.)
- 3 tbsp brown sugar OR 2 tbsp honey
- 3 1/4 cups white flour (Whole wheat flour is dishonorable, but I have heard rumors that it has been done. Do what you must, but you will not bring this shame upon my house.)
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 1/4 cup olive or vegetable oil (Olive gives it a nice taste; vegetable makes it fluffier. Your call, o student.)
- 1 cup water
- 2 tbsp yeast (baker’s yeast. Brewer’s yeast, while honorable, is not the correct tool for this mission.)
The below are optional:
- 1/2 tsp black pepper (Fresh, coarsely-ground pepper is the most honorable)
- 1/2 tsp dried oregano
- 1/2 tsp dried dill
- 1/2 tsp dried basil
- 1/2 tsp any other spices you care to name and enjoy in pizza dough. The dwarves used crushed dried chilies.
The Outset
Heat the water. Test it with your hand. It should be quite warm, but not so hot as to hurt. I find that one minute on high works for this, with my microwave.
Stir in the honey or brown sugar; stir in the salt. Stir honorably until entirely dissolved.
Add the yeast and stir well. Allow the mix to sit for five minutes while you ponder the mysteries of ninjitsu.
The Approach
Add one cup of the flour and stir in well. This is not a muffin recipe; stir thoroughly and with great vigor. Let no clumps survive.
Stir in the remainder of the flour, the oil, and the spices. If you still have ingredients left over, you are doing something wrong and have brought dishonor upon this house. (If the missing ingredient was not sugar, honey, water or yeast, you may add it now to expunge your dishonor and proceed to the next step)
Stir thoroughly. You should end up with a hard-to-stir lump of dough. Turn it out onto a clean surface (counters work admirably here) and using your hands, form it into one mass. Honorable ninjas use clean hands.
Press down on the center of your dough lump with the heel of your palms, then fold it over on itself and repeat. This is known as kneading and is a technique all ninja should be familiar with.
When you’ve kneaded the dough perhaps two dozen times with great vigor, put it back in the bowl, cover the bowl with a damp, clean cloth such as a dishtowel, and place it somewhere warm.
The First Rise
Leave the dough in its warm place for 45 minutes.
At the end of this time, it should have expanded somewhat in size. Turn it out onto the counter and give it your best ninjitsu fist of justice. I am serious, grasshopper- punch it down hard. Show that dough who the ninja is here. Hit it good! It should deflate somewhat. Knead it a couple dozen more times and then re-cover it and return it to the spot of warmness.
The Second Rise
Leave the dough for at least one hour.
At the end of this time, punch it down again and knead.
You may repeat this cycle of rising a third time if you wish, but at this point you have spent at least two hours and may wish to continue with your mission. When you are ready, proceed.
The Final Moments
Knead the dough, then use your rolling pin to roll it to a thickness of about a half-inch. Pick it up like you are holding a steering wheel and turn it continuously, shifting your hands. This will allow the dough’s own weight to thin it. If you cannot get it as thin as you would like- a quarter inch or less- use your rolling pin. The final result should be a rough disc of dough about the same size as your pizza pan. (If you are using the honorable rectangular cookie sheet method, it will of course not be disc-shaped)
Place the dough on the pan and, starting from the center, prick the dough deeply with a fork and move outward, covering the dough liberally in tiny pinholes.
You didn’t think a true ninja would shy from stabbing, did you?
Stop stabbing about an inch to an inch and a half from the edge. The pinholes allow the sauce to bind better and also the dough will cook faster and flatter; the area without pinholes is the outer crust and should be allowed to puff up.
Place the toppings (sauce, cheeses, meats, vegetables etc) on top.
The Completion
The finished pizza should be cooked at 400 degrees for about twenty minutes; at the end of that time, observe it closely. The crust should be a medium brown and the cheese should be melted (this takes, for me, about three to five additional minutes).
Remove from oven and serve hot. Makes greatly honorable leftovers.
